Matthew "Mattman" Harris

Who do I hate more?

People of Earth, how are you?

A question I get asked a lot is "Do you really hate Jeff that much?"  I got asked again today at lunch.  The short answer is yes.  No, of course I don't hate him.  I loathe him.  Do you know what that means?  Let's consult Webster.

So I called Emmanuel Lewis and he didn't know so I looked it up online.


Verb: Feel intense dislike or disgust for.

I met Jeff in 1990.  It was my sophmore year at Wade Hampton High School, my second year of playing football.  Jeff's dad the legendary Coach Jeff Neal Sr. allowed JLN to be our waterboy.  "Need some water Matthew?"  "Hey 77 you good on water?"  He took it so serious that it became annoying.  I know Coach Neal was embarassed.  I often wondered if Jeff was a mongoloid because of his huge bug eyes.  You gotta understood Coach Neal was like a second Dad to me.  He taught me a lot off the field-life lessons.  And then there was Jeff.

I graduated in 1993 and never saw Jeff again until 1997 when my sister graduated.  I think he graduated in '98.  I know I was shocked that he finished as well.  From then I would see Jeff at bars downtown from time to time.  He'd say, "Hey man you gotta have me on sometime, we can talk about back in the day."  I truly didn't figure you guys cared about hearing a half hour of stories about water.  He wasn't quite Bobby Boucher, more like Bobby Doucher.

Just when I thought I had shaken off the smegma that is, was, and will forever be Jeff Lewis Neal, Mark Hendrix walks into our office.  "Do you know a Jeff Neal, Matt?"  You bet I do, best coach ever!  "No that's his dad, this is his son."  The Sobe No Fear I was sippin' on spewed across my desk.  Mark goes on to say that Jeff was his wife's trainer at the gym.  "He does impressions really good...he does an amazing Obama...Hulk Hogan...Rush Limbaugh...the kid is pretty good."  I was shocked.  Wow, Mark is a good judge of character.  He hired me.  "Get him on the show, that could be good"  I said to Mark.

As they say the rest is history.  I can't figure out who I hate more.  Jeff himself, Mark for bringing him back in my life, or myself for putting up with it.  Which is it?  And why do I loathe him?  Here's a list.

-Lack of creativity
-Lack of work ethic
-His impressions lack material
-His impressions lack recognition
-What impressions?
-The extra tight glitter shirts
-Wearing jeans that cost more than his car
-Douchey facebook statuses
-His cone head
-The shoots!
-Every conversation turns to wrestling
-He can't spell for s**t!
-The only person he can phone scam is his 84 year old grandfather
-He does steroids
-He lies about not doing steroids
-I get nervous because I fear his eyes will finally pop out
-His car smells like cat piss
-He walks like a 2 legged horse

Redeeming qualities?  There are a couple.  First, he's from the loins of Coach Jeff Neal and second he's a Gamecock fan.  I just figured it out.  If he were a Clemson fan that would have been the final straw.  Gooooooooo Cocks!

But JLN is a good sport and thick skinned.  Both of those are very important if you're part of this show.  I suppose we will keep him around.  Plus I think we get a tax credit for keeping him on the payroll. 


Tags :  
People : Bobby BoucherBobby DoucherEmmanuel LewisHulk HoganJeff Lewis NealJeff Neal Sr.Mark Hendrix

09/02/2011 6:32PM
Who do I hate more?
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