After you've read this, hopefully you'll have a greater understanding of why I am back to my perpetual single state after the worst year in the history of the world that didn't involve cancer, aids, or living in some war-torn third world land.
Why not surprise that special someone in your life? Really surprise them. She knows you'll get flowers. What can you get that'll knock her socks off, though? And possibly send her packing. Don't worry, ladies, I've found a couple of things that will send him running for the hills as well. Let's begin.
If you ?really? want to be close to your special someone this Valentine's Day, why not try a pair of Fundies for a pair of lovers? It makes docking easier than ever and you can't help but feel close to someone you're sharing underwear with. While they're only practical if you're in a three-legged race, why not give it a shot and see if it feels good? And if you don't want to spring for some fundies, I'll sell you a pair of my old boxers for half as much.
Maybe you want him or her to realize fighting over who takes up more space in the bed is a stupid, stupid thing to argue over. Maybe you just want that closeness. Maybe you want the sex without all the work involved. In any case, you'll find a use for tandem underwear!
If Fundies aren't your thing, maybe you're an educator. Maybe you want to teach a lesson and scare your partner so they stop all that silly talk about wanting to have kids! Once again, there's a product just for you.
What better way to point out the horrors of procreation than with a giant smiling sperm and egg combo this Valentine's Day?
Sure, it may look like something out of a sex ed class, but this is South Carolina and we don't teach that here. So take the opportunity and teach your partner something they should've learned when they were 15. Hell, they probably should've learned it sooner than that. But now they're 23 and a parent to five kids so clearly they are in need of a refresher course, if not a spay/neuter clinic.
Finally, who wouldn't want to go to The Big Apple for Valentine's Day? You can celebrate in a cold, dirty city full of rude, dirty people and whatever gift you've purchased will most likely be stolen at gunpoint.
The solution to that problem? You can't do anything about the cold, the dirt, or the rude people. You can give her something no mugger can ever take away, though. Memories last forever. And this is also a good way to make sure she doesn't go getting fat because she's never going to want another piece of chocolate as long as she lives.
What kind of magical gift am I getting at? What on earth can it be? Of course it's a trip to New York's Newtown Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant! The perfect gift if you've grown to loathe, hate and despise the one you've been damned to spend Valentine's Day with. If you're hoping this Valentine's Day will be your last, you certainly are in luck as long as you can swing a trip to Gotham on short notice.
As for me, I'll be watching rasslin on the DVR and hanging out with my roommate's cat while all you lovers love and all you haters hate. I'll drink away the bitterness and celebrate a day later when all the heart-shaped candy samplers are 75% off. I'll be in a diabetic coma by President's Day, if we're lucky.