Earlier this week Matt and I were chatting and he asked me if my Ex ever hit me. I said, yes. I told him how bad the situation “really” was. I could never see Stuart again, because at one time he had tried to kill me. He strangled me, and if I didn’t dig my finger nails into his back, I would have died. I went through hell living with a violent alcoholic. I worked overnights and took care of my Grandmother -who was dying of lung cancer at the time. I was exhausted when I got home, and the last thing I wanted to do is deal with an abusive drunk. I told my story because it happens too much. It is not the shame of the victim. The memories are tough. I want to tell people that it can happen to anyone. It happened to me. If someone hits you, then you should leave. I did!!!
Here is one of the emails I received.
Honestly, I don't know what to say or even where to begin. First off I'd like to say that you are very brave for telling your story and that if more women were like you perhaps more women could be saved. In the last 12 years I've rarely told my story to anyone and certainly not to my family, but hearing you talk about your story has opened a wound that I feel oozing out and I feel a need to let it out.
My situation started out very similar to most, I assume. I was a single mom of a 3 year old. I met a man, he was very nice, we dated for nearly a year. In the beginning everything was great he was wonderful with my son. He was funny, I thought I was in love, we went out and had fun, it was just like any relationship that I'd ever been in. I'd never dated anyone who drank alcohol so the things that started happening I contributed to the drinking, but in retrospect I know there was no excuse.
We'd been dating for a few months, things were getting progressively more serious. We were talking about moving in together and getting married. I ended up getting pregnant. It was after I got pregnant that the relationship turned into a nightmare for me. He became horribly possessive and controlling. He would follow me to work. Wait out in the parking lot of my job watching me. He would call constantly wanting to know what I was doing. When he was acting like this he was generally drunk so of course that was the excuse I gave him, "Oh he's drunk it will be OK once he's sober", and for the most part it was.
The night I finally had enough was Halloween night 2010. He was drunk, of course, insisting we go to one of those scary woods places that pop up all over the place during Halloween. This one was near Gaffney. He'd been drinking the entire night and arguing with me about the most ridiculous things. Like an idiot I let him drive us back to Spartanburg that night. It's a miracle that either of us lived to see the next day. I was terrified all the way home that I'd not live threw the trip and at this point I was 6 months pregnant so my fear was 1000 x's worst because of my unborn child's safety was also at risk. I prayed to god on the way home to just keep us alive.
By the time we got to my house I'd made the decision that I'd had enough. All I wanted to do was get away from him but he was having none of that. I asked him to leave, he would not. He followed me into my home just getting madder and madder. Eventually he starting hitting me. I'd never been hit by a man prior to this and the shock I felt was/is indescribable. I called 911. He was still struggling with me while I was on the phone with the operator saying if I didn't hang up he'd hit my stomach and kill the baby. He got the phone and hung it up, but 911 called back and he got scared and left.
The police came out to my home. When the police came I did the most horrible thing that I regret to this day. I protected him. I told the police that everything was fine and it was a mistake for me to call them. I don't know why I did it. In my mind I knew that he'd crossed a line that could never be fixed but I still protected him. I've wish many times over the last nearly 12 years that I had been honest with the police, that I had told them what he had done. I worry that he is out there some where doing this very same thing to another woman.
The next day he called me saying he was sorry, but I was done. I told him never to come near me again. That was the last time I spoke to him, 3 months later I had a beautiful baby boy. He's never seen his son and honestly if he ever tried to see him I'm almost certain I'd beat him with a baseball bat. I know that seems extreme, but I can't help feeling the betrayal. I feel that he portrayed himself as being a good and loving person someone that I would want to have a child with when in reality he was not. He is a person that I do not want my son to grow up to be anything like. Not to mention that my son will never have a father the way other children do and has to grow up knowing that he is different because of that. I've never told him about his father, he's nearly 12 and I've felt that he's not old enough to understand and to be honest I'm not sure what to say.
This Halloween will be 12 years since that night, I still can't date. I feel like its a scar on my soul that I can't let go. I'm scared that there are other men out there like this and I'm certain that if I did date I'd end up with some one like that again. I don't want to run the risk of my sons being exposed to that so I stay single. I've risked dating once when my 1st son was 3 and it ended badly I just can't risk it again now that I have two boys. I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than to have them exposed to anything like that.
I love my son with all my heart. He is and always will be the absolute joy in my life. I will never say that I wish things had been different between his father and myself because that would mean that I regret my child. But I wish I had known what the crazed possessiveness and controlling personality would lead to. I wish more women like you would have spoke out so I wouldn't have said "Oh he's drunk it will be ok once he's sober" because in the real world it wont be ok The only way that it will be ok is to get away and not look back, regardless of how hard you think it will be out on your own, nothing is worth staying.. nothing.
Thank you for telling your story.
today. You see my ex was an alcoholic
Let's try to help all victims of domestic violence. Ask questions, send emails. Help another P1.